Valentines Day Massacre
Author: From:www.buyfastgold.com
No loved one to share heart shaped chocolates with this year? Oh good! Here are several reasons why you are on the right path, you poor lonely bastard.
Welcome to Angry Gaming, the large fast food chain that runs the gaming industries mom and pop diners out of town. I am your hate master, Damian Sarcuni, and if you haven't seen the ending to Hellgate: London yet, stop playing now. It's awful.
This article is dedicated to Liezel, Sarah and V.
Valentine's Day Massacre
Last week, Angry Gaming took some time off so that way we could focus on bringing you this: our super-sized Valentine's Day misogyny spectacular. The year's arguably most romantic holiday fast approaches this week, and its time we addressed an issue we've been dancing around for well over a year now; namely, women.
Yes women, the bane of man's existence, as well as his greatest joy. The game market is dominated by pathetic attempts to satiate the male/lesbian ego, as evidenced by the supposed "gamer nerd supermodels" we see on G4 TV and at various game conventions. Women are horrible creatures, numb of feeling and generally unconcerned with all the vital points life has to offer. Oh, I know what you're thinking, "Why does he feel so comfortable writing this when women will surely be reading this article and getting offended?" Well, I like to put things into perspective.
Men are, quite frankly, disgusting. We're hairy, sweaty, grunting massive of chunky flesh. Even the best looking among us are boxy and malformed. Either an attractive guy is muscular and hulking, making him resemble a rock quarry (not something you want to stare at) or he's thin and effeminate, which just looks well, weird. It is a mystery of life itself as to how any creature on this planet can look upon the male human form and says to themselves "I gotta get me some of THAT!" So it stands to reason that women are generally dissatisfied with their sexual selection. As result, women become cold and uncaring, unwilling to engage in the social order that god or science originally intended.
These days, being a male in search of sex is basically the same thing as wandering around the streets starving and begging for food and having every cheeseburger toting woman in the world refuse to toss you a bite, then watching as they all feed some undeserving asshole his thirteenth value meal of the day. Being a woman on the other hand, means coming to grips with the harsh and unwarranted possibility that you might be a homosexual simply because you can't stand these ugly guys and their whiny bullshit.
So, video games, eh?
Right. Like so many other things in today's market, video games are marketed to the males who are dissatisfied as a result of women's dissatisfaction. And what does all this mean for us gamers? You guessed it, fantasy women! One of the ways that games attempt to appeal to action-craving fantasy fans is to stock their characters with beautiful, sexy females. I don't think I've ever seen an ugly heroine in a video game, and certainly not one with anything but the most luscious curves and tightest bodies. The idea behind all this is that the men (or women) playing these games are supposed to find these women attractive, desirable, or enviable. "Wow." We think to ourselves, "I wish I had a woman in my life like THAT!"
Actually though, you don't. For far too long, games have served as an escape from the horrors of romance as opposed to preparation for it (except for Japanese dating sims which are, of course, just like real life). There is no such thing as the perfect woman, and in preparation for Valentine's Day we will expose the myth once and for all. Here is what would happen if you, a male or female gamer, were to enter into a relationship with any of the following girl power game characters:
Soul Calibur 每 Taki
Who Is She?
Taki is one of the staples of the Soul Edge/Soul Calibur series and has been around from the very first game. She's a female ninja from Japan whose job is to purify all demons from the Earth, including the one residing within the evil sword Soul Edge. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I loves me some Taki and I am currently planning to build a machine like the one used to build Kelly Lebrock in the movie Weird Science with her in mind. Taki is one of the fastest and strongest short ranged characters in Soul Calibur and is often a popular choice among players.
Why You Want Her
Have you seen this girl move? Between her rolling death spirals and spinning break dance leg attacks, Taki puts both Kristi Yamaguchi AND Shannon Miller to shame. These days most girls go out to clubs with the notion that showing your moves on the dance floor is giving a preview of what waits in the bedroom. Taki can most likely tear it up in both places and grace you with positions you didn't know existed. She also just happens to command the forces of purity and exorcism, so after some of the dirtiest bedroom antics available you'll probably wind up feeling like you just donated your life savings to the church. But on top of all that, Taki still manages to maintain a significant breast size. This and the whole "exorcism ninja" thing is probably where reality ends and fiction takes over. In Soul Calibur II Taki was painted as having what looked like an erection in her tights, so all you into tranny porn will be after this girl like white on rice. What? Don't be shy, just admit it.
It'll Never Work
Taki is a loner, or for lack of a better term, asexual. She basically shows no emotion or attraction to anything male or female that she encounters. And boy does she encounter a lot! Taki has fought with and against some of the beefiest men and smoothest women ever seen in all of her travels, and shown nothing but cold professional assassin styles to all of them. Speaking of travels, if Taki doesn't take a liking to you (and she probably won't) you won't get a second chance with her. She can just chant a quick phrase and warp off to nowhere in a flash, several times. Oh sure you can try to pursue her Pepe LePew style, but most likely any of your advances will be avoided and outrun in pursuit of some grand mission. Or she could just use one of her two magic swords and kill you.
Soul Calibur 每 Ivy
Who Is She?
On the other end of the Soul Edge spectrum is Isabella Valentine, better known as Ivy. We've covered the science behind Ivy's magic extend-o-sword in recent articles, but the girl herself warrants so much more. Ivy is an upper class girl adopted into nobility, and a master of the alchemic arts. She seeks Soul Edge in order to discover more about her past, which is obvious to anyone who's played any of the Soul Calibur games. Ivy is known as one of the more awkward characters to use in Soul Calibur but mastering her leads to the ability to bust out some deadly combos and throws that will keep your opponent at your mercy no matter what distance they are to you.
Why You Want Her
First of all, she's rich. Ivy is the heiress to the Valentine fortune which consists not only of candy chocolate hearts and Hallmark cards, but several mansions and a butt load of cash as well. Ivy is so rich she had the funds to make a sword that turns into a whip, flies out to destroy its enemies, and then returns to sword form through magic. Let me run that by you again in all caps: IVY USED MONEY TO BEND MAGIC TO HER WILL. I want to see Donald Trump do that. Ivy also happens to be adept at being a dominatrix, for all you freaky little submissive men out there. She walks around leather clad with her ass cheeks hanging out for all to see, beating on men and women with her whip sword while laughing and making them lick her boots. If that isn't hot I don't know what is.
It'll Never Work
Can you say "daddy issues"? Ivy is the adopted daughter of the Valentines, but her real father is actually the dread pirate Cervantes De Leon. Put that into perspective when you think about Ivy's bedroom preferences. She'll probably gouge one your eyeballs then kick you in the leg and beat on you so you hope around going "ARRRRRRRRRRR!!" and then she'll call you papa on top of it. I like to brag that I've taken on every bedroom fetish a girl has thrown at me, but even I have to admit this is ridiculous. Also keep in mind that if you break her heart you'll wind up having to contend with both a whip-sword toting pissed off dominatrix AND her soul craving zombie pirate father. Lastly, Ivy isn't too bright upstairs. Oh sure, she's mastered alchemy and was educated at the finest schools, but she's been on this quest for her past for years now, finds herself drawn to Cervantes every time, and still hasn't put 2 + 2 together. She's one of those "all book smarts no street smarts" girls. The kinds that hand you your ass at quantum mechanics and then get stuck staring at a stop light watching it change all day. I know I've dated my share＃
Metroid 每 Samus Aran
Who Is She?
You can go on about your Lara Croft's all day if you like, but Samus Aran is the true first lady of video gaming. The protagonist of Nintendo's hit series Metroid, Samus is an intergalactic bounty hunter constantly in search of space pirates, upgrades for her bio-suit, and countdowns with massive explosions at the end of them. The first Metroid game on the NES garnered fame for its ending which revealed that Samus was a girl the whole time you'd been playing the game thinking "she" was "he". Raised by an alien raise called the Chozo, Samus travels through the galaxy firing plasma from her arm cannon, morphing into rolling balls, dropping bombs and generally kicking ass.
Why You Want Her
First off, Samus has a fly ride. Ever been into a girl with a car that was better than yours? Samus has them all beat. She's got a spaceship that can not only fly through the galaxy and decimate your enemies with missile bombardments, but can also heal and regenerate any ailments you might have. No worries about catching the space herpes with this foxy alien, her jumbo jet space craft will have you fixed up in a jiffy. Also, whereas most girls have a dark half in the form of a dirty little secret from their teen years, Samus has a dark half in the literal sense. Her evil form has actually manifested into another person that looks just like her. You know that fantasy you always had about having two twins all to yourself? Bring peace between these two warring clones and that fantasy might just come true.
It'll Never Work
If you haven't been in this situation before, you've probably seen it in the movies: a mother with a kid manages to land a new man who is entering her life mostly trying to do the right thing because he really likes her (again this is in the movies, not real life). The relationship is awkward but steady and one night after mama puts baby to bed she and her man sneak off into the bedroom for a little adult time. Unfortunately, the kid wakes up and wanders over to Mom's room, unable to sleep, and witnesses acts of defilement so heinous they are scarred for life.
OK, now picture that same scenario with you and Samus Aran, except that the kid that bursts in isn't so much a human being as a metroid, a fanged alien whose only reason for being is to suck, suck, and suck the life from you. Whereas a normal child will run off and close their eyes in confusion, Samus Aran's adopted offspring will pretty much jump on you and eat you until mama Samus comes along and blasts it with a freeze ray and a few hand missiles. I'm sorry, but no magic spaceship can strip that kind of horrible experience from your mind.
Bloodrayne 每 Rayne
Who Is She?
She's a secret agent half breed vampire. Yes, you read that correctly. The star of the Bloodrayne action series, Rayne is a dhampir (half human half vampire) born in America in 1916. She joins a secret society that eliminates supernatural forces in the world, particularly those being harnessed by Nazis. Much like the rest of the vampiric half breeds that pop up in fiction stories, Rayne has all the benefits of vampirism and almost none of the drawbacks. Her storyline focuses on her quest to kill her father who murdered her mother's family by vampire law.
Why You Want Her
Well, there is always that little thing called "immortality". Hook up with this spicy little redhead and you basically get the ability to live forever. Some of you might be afraid of such a commitment, but hey, if you get tired of her a quick serving of divorce papers and a sword battle later and you're either dead as a doornail or a bachelor who lives forever. I don't think you'll be creeping on Ms. Rayne anytime soon though＃she also happens to be the world's first video game Playboy playmate. If nothing else, Rayne is well traveled and has been pretty much all over the world. Nothing like a girl of culture to keep the relationship interesting.
It'll Never Work
Good luck taking her out to lunch. While Rayne is immune to holy artifacts and garlic, water and sunlight do a number on her and kill her off in a minute or two. This may sound like a major detour on the first date highway, but it pales in comparison to the fact that the only menu she's interested in consists of one item 每 the blood and flesh of unjust villains. Try to put that together and then add in her age. Rayne was around when your grandma was in diapers if you're lucky. She's got decades of bedroom experience and world travel under her belt, and you expect to hold a conversation with this creature? Trust me, I went to school for language for years and I promise you it won't happen.
Street Fighter 每 Chun Li
Who Is She?
The self proclaimed strongest woman in the world, Chun Li has embedded herself into Capcom's Street Fighter series ever since the life-changing sequel to the original game. When she was a little girl, M. Bison (Vega for you Easterners) went through her town in China and murdered her father, so she became an Interpol agent and used the Street Fighter tournament to track him down. Once that little scuffle was settled, Chun Li went on to hunt down a little girl in Street Fighter III, saving her from being used for sick scientific experiments.
Why You Want Her
Come on. Chun Li basically has leg strength like a gazelle and the ability to float in the air upside down. You can teach a girl gymnastics for years and never get that kind of action. Plus, she's submissive. Really submissive. Chun Li is known for constantly having her hair up in school girl buns, which we all know serve as handles for those more giving moments. More importantly, she walks around wearing two spiked bracelets that are basically the equivalent of asking someone to chain her to a dungeon wall because she's been a very ,very bad girl. Any of you folks out there ever wanted an Asian sex slave? Here's your girl. Lastly, Chun Li works on Interpol which is basically a super version of the police. If you've ever had one of those police association cards that help you get out of speeding tickets, you can only imagine what sort of benefits having Chun Li in your pocket will give you.
It'll Never Work
If there's one thing I can't stand it's an uppity woman. Chun Li is the self proclaimed strongest woman in the world, which is a pretty hefty claim considering her scrawny arms and emotional attachments to little kids. Clearly this woman has never watched TNA wrestling or the Chyna sex tapes. So for Chun Li to go around making that claim tells us that she's one of those stuck up witches that goes out to a singles party for the soul purpose of dancing the night away with her female friends while shooting any guy bold enough to give her some attention. You never get far with a girl like that, and Street Fighter III's ending tells me that Chun Li has also adopted her own school full of kids. If you feel like slaving away at an office job for a woman with a bunch karate students in need of clothes, food, and college educations, be my guest but I'm sure most of you out there aren't interested.
Heavenly Sword - Nariko
Who Is She?
Nariko is the main character in Heavenly Sword and is a member of an ancient tribe assigned the task of protecting the game's self-titled weaponry. Since the prophecies in her tribe say that the heavenly sword will be protected by a boy and not a girl, Nariko is shunned by her tribe and often her own family as well. During a fierce battle against an enemy army, Nariko is unable to resist the temptation of wielding the sword and winds up becoming possessed by it. The game of Heavenly Sword is her story leading up to that moment.
Why You Want Her
There is something to be said for red headed chicks with blades that like to think up new and creative ways to kill people. Most of us probably wouldn't want to keep Nariko around as a girlfriend so much as a friend with benefits, one of those benefits being that of having a sword swinging bodyguard sharing your bed. And don't think for a second that the fiery violent chicks aren't the ones you don't want in your bed. Nariko's own clan has shunned her, which means she has to work extra hard in order to get approval from everyone. That's mental anguish if I've ever seen it, and everybody knows that chicks with issues and baggage always make the best lovers.
It'll Never Work
The problem with this is Nariko is basically a clone of a guy. And not just any guy, mind you. She's a clone of Kratos, the equally violent and equally crazy Spartan from the God of War series. Everything from her birthright to her back story is basically a mirror image of Kratos. Fierce warrior seeks power, cuts deal with the devil, skin is scarred for eternity, and violence ensues. Strip Nariko down and you might be shocked to find the tribal prophecies really did come true after all, except that the great male protector of the holy weapons just happens to enjoy dressing like a woman. Remember what we said before about the tranny porn? If you really want to go there, it's all on you, buddy.
The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess - Midna
Who Is She?
Throughout The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Midna is Link's not-so-faithful companion who offers constant advice in a tongue that sounds like a cross between native Russian and Sim-Speak. As the game progresses we find out that Midna actually has a lot to do with the recent problems plaguing the land of Hyrule, and is far more powerful than she originally lets on. She often makes wise cracks and laughs at Link's pain, and while she doesn't seem to care what happens to our hero either way, she offers subtle hints and assistance in the battle against evil.
Why You Want Her
Behind every great man there is a great woman, or at least that's what they say. The idea behind this phrase is that men of political power often have female companions serving both as comforters and advisors, who often are able to manipulate strategies and intrigue far better than the men themselves. Midna has this quality in spades, and while it may be a little daunting to have your prospective lady constantly smacking you upside the head and offering subtle hints to the most obvious solutions, at the end of the day Midna gets the jobs done.
Oh yeah, and she can transform into a giant spider at will.
Spoilers be damned. That's a nifty power for a lady to have! Actually Midna takes on several forms depending on a variety of magical factors which I don't have the time or the patience to go into here, but suffice to say that with the right amount of sugar and spice mixed together Midna can make real the fantasies so perverted you didn't even know that you had them.
It'll Never Work
Hey, are you a master of the arcane arts? Well, are you? No, you aren't, asshole. We said that the right combination turns Midna into a goddess of beauty or a destructive demon ally. We never said we knew what that combination was, and I doubt anyone out there has the knowledge to figure it out on the first try. Playing with Midna is basically the same thing as playing Russian roulette, which, come to think of it, is the same thing as being sexually promiscuous except that with Midna the odds are even farther from your favor. She may be witty, intelligent, tech savvy and appealing, but when Midna sits on your shoulder looking like a cross between a leprechaun and badger, you'll think twice about your choice of sexual activities.
The Anger
If there is a lesson here it is simply that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Hollywood and even game developers have long been guilty of coming up with these fantasy images that people feel this utter need to emulate, and judge others based upon. There is absolutely no need for it. Everyone has their good and bad qualities and if you look hard enough you will find that as humans our strengths and weaknesses inevitably balance that out. So go ahead and celebrate this upcoming festival of love, but don't get too attached because after all, we're only human. Happy Valentine's Day. Embrace the hatred.
return list: Hellgate:London
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